Between Here And There

The Fast is moving along and I am experiencing more success than I have before with Fasting. While it may seem to some that I am striving more to be successful in the Fasting aspect, that is not my only goal. The current Fasting period is the moment and Fast itself is the time and mechanism that I am using to start this new journey of mine, and the journey is moving deeper into my relationship with God than I have been before, or even really tried. I read about the lives of the Saints, how they moved so close in their relationships with God, that they were consumed with the Holy Spirit and as a result, God moved in miraculous ways through them. I am intrigued so much with their aesthetical lives that reaching that place could be a lofty goal of mine, but their aesthetic struggles were so lengthy and took them to places where it is not realistic for me to go with my life responsibilities that I am not sure of the real possibility of reaching a goal like that.

Before I get dumped on by everyone saying that it may not be God's will for me to go to achieve a place like that, I want to say that I understand this completely, but right or wrong, and I do wonder if it is right or wrong, I am still desirous of that place, knowing all the while what God has in mind for me is somewhere in between here and there. Last Sunday, one of my Spiritual Fathers, the Priest at our parish, recommended that I obtain and start reading, and attempting to apply to my life, a book titled 'Unseen Warfare' edited and enhanced by Saint Nicodemus of the Holy Mountain, and Saint Theophan the Recluse. He said that I should take the next several years, well, up to ten years, studying it. I am not sure if he thought it would take that long for me personally, or if he implied there was that much material in it! Given his recommendation, and with the prestige of the cast of authors that created it, I immediately started looking for it when I got home, and to my surprise, I found that it was available for free download from many sources, so I did. In the first chapter, I was immediately struck with the intense and deep theological concepts that one might expect from monastics, and I liked it. I am not going to attempt to relate what I read and my intense emotional response to it, but suffice to say, after 2 nights of short reading periods, I am engaged, but I suspect I may need to review just the beginning parts again, before I move further. 

Summarizing, it is talking about putting to death your will, and taking on the will of God, and red flags are already going up with me, and how easily it is to be deceived into thinking we are following God's will, when in reality it is our will disguised by the demons. So going back to my expectations with this current Fasting period and my wanting to accomplish something in a forward direction, I think I might be, but is that my will or God's will that I am pursuing. I don't have the specific answer yet, and may never have it, but this has given me much food for thought and prayer at this early stage of my journey. Just while writing this, I am already feeling concern starting to arise in me that I speak so much about 'I' and my expectations when maybe I need to focus more on letting God do with my as He pleases during this time. Sure, I think I need to make the physical efforts to keep the legal side of the Fast, and pursue more the spiritual side by increasing my prayers, alms, and studying more, but after that, maybe I need to turn off my thoughts and ambitions for seeking, or should I say desiring, a place that I know deep down isn't for me. Probably, I just need to make the effort to do what I can in this messy, hectic, stressful world of mine and let God steer me to the place He has in mind for me.